Monday, December 30, 2002
Looking forward to the day that reaches (0)....:-)..It seems all I am left with these days is the anxiety that I had before all my troubles started. Not liking busy Places or travelling or going anywhere new to me. But I settle when I get there and am usually fine. So with that in mind I feel I have come a long way. With 2003 round the corner I feel its a good time to set some new goals for myself as I have achieved all of what I wanted to do so far..so here goes..
I would like to be more confident around others especially women!..I find women hard work..they never say what they mean and then bitch about you when you cant work it out..why is that?.....But you a woman I hear you shout you should know!...sorry guys but I'm with you on this one..women are strange creatures!!!..:-)
I want to be able to look in a mirror and like the person I see!..I'm getting there on that one but still room for improvement.
I want to be able to get to know a person before I make a judgement on them. One of my big faults judging the book by its cover and I scream blue murder when others do it to me..:/
I want to put others before my self and be less selfish with my time...that's a big one for me.
I was looking at my hubby last night as he lay in bed sleeping, and thought to my self all the times I get angry and frustrated at him...why?..does he give me enough love?...yes he smothers me with it....does he not give me enough attention.....I only have to ask and he is there for comfort or support......Do I need for anything?...no he would gladly give me anything I like or want.....Is he ever abusive to me in anyway?..NEVER!!...So what is the problem then why am I angry?...the answer I have come up with is..I'm not angry at him at all..its me I am angry with for allowing all of this to happen, to allow myself to get to this state before asking for help, for not achieving the things I want to do. ITS ME THAT HAS THE PROBLEM WITH ME...and I will make that my new goal for 2003....sleep well honeys..:-)
Sunday, December 29, 2002
Got the new link sorted to my new web page..:-)..under other stuff..its still under construction so bare with me but it looks lots better than the old stuff.
Will be adding other stuff when I get round to it
I keep thinking the house is going to blow up as the electric keeps flashing the lights on and off and making strange hissing noises...:-/..so if I never post again you know why!
Saturday, December 28, 2002
Christmas over with for another year..:-).new year around the corner.:-I..Hope the next year will be better than the past 2 years. Trouble seemed to go right through the whole family. One got better and another ended up in Pieces, we never seemed to get a break. But hopefully that's the worst over with and they say it comes in 3s..lol.. Still waiting for the brain scan/test results on my hubby they should be in mid January so fingers crossed for that..:-P
Not a great deal to say tonight, I learn more about myself everyday and how to distinguish between simple things that others take for granted. For example...the difference between anxiety, low blood sugar and being excited..lol..simple you may think but no!..for someone who has suffered with an anxiety based disorder they all seem to merge into one and its very hard to realize what your experiencing at any given time. Adrenalin plays a huge part in all these and that chemical is the cause of all an anxious persons problems!...I'm slowly re-programming my brain to understand what is happening to my body..they say it takes as long to get out of it as it did to get into it..:-/..so 2 years down another 5 to go before I'm normal again..lol..whatever *normal* is?
Friday, December 27, 2002
I was going to come on here and say what a great Christmas I had and how I had not felt anxious over the Christmas period for the first time in many years....but then I had my usual read through other blogs (as its always a joy to peep inside the lives of others) and I read The Homeless Guy...:-(...what can I say...I'm speechless..:-O..I have been reading this blog for a few months now but I can honestly say that I have never really grasped what It must be like to be homeless until I read his last post!....I almost feel guilty for being happy for the first time in years. You should give it a read, It will put a whole new outlook on your problems.
Christmas was good..:-)..I enjoyed It for the first time in years and my anxiety never got a look in! The Kids liked their prezzies.
The Turkey named Jeff..lol..only joking it was nameless..hehe..well that was very tasty but I will admit to having nothing to do with the preparation and cooking of the poor thing..:-/...neither did I go anywhere near the poor pork either...:-O.. I left that to hubby..I did all the hard stuff like playing with the kids toys and adding water to my sons Sea Monkeys...lol I must have not got the balance quiet right as they did not hatch straight away, but I'm glad to report I'm the proud gran of about 50 of the little darlings all swimming happily in their trend new home.
Tuesday, December 24, 2002
Christmas dinner tomorrow will be a Bronze Turkey .........It was running round a field a week ago on my sister-in-laws farm..aaarggggghhhhhh.
Boxing day dinner will be Roast Pork...........this too was happily oinking in a pen 2 weeks ago on my husbands pig farm...aaaaarrrrgghhhhhh..
With this in mind I think I will be turning veggie after Christmas..lol... I'm a city girl at heart and even after 10 years of living in the farming community I find the idea of eating something you have watched grow very hard..:-(
I have decided not to post for the next 2 days as its Christmas..:-P..I have promised myself I will stay away from the pc for these 2 days..Betts for me not making are being taken as we speak...lol..But I'm sure I will make it.
Monday, December 23, 2002
Hard day wrapping presents..:-(..I thought it would never end!..they just kept coming, big ones small one squishy ones...aaaaaarrrrrrgggggghhhhhhhhh.I will be glad to never see a roll of selotape again..:-(.. Don't you just hate it when you tearing the tape with your teeth and it gets stuck to your lip and when you pull it of there is an imprint of your lip in skin stuck to the tape..:-O..*me thinks maybe too much detail there..lol*
Am in the middle of building a new web page to replace the naff Freeserve one with the pics on it..:-P. Should have it ready for the New Year I hope..:-D
well that's me done for tonight but how about a bit of Penguin Abuse before bed?..lol
Sunday, December 22, 2002
More Christmas shopping today..:-). Went for the final prezzies for the kids. 2 hours in Toys R Us..lol..enough to put any normal person in the nuthouse! But I did enjoy it and I think the kids will like what we got, fingers crossed..:-)....I just have to wrap the damn things now..:-(
Added a translator to the page. Thought it was only right and proper as Blogger is world wide and the page will soon be in the search engines. Was playing with it earlier..lol..you just copy and paste the text to the box and it translates it on a separate page. Its really impressive and I think a good way to brush up on my French!..:-D
Found a great site the other night more for adults, how about a sample?...what about This or even that or maybe the other? I have posted the URL to this site on my Pics/poems page under links more of!..Have fun!!..:-D
Saturday, December 21, 2002
Can you accept them with respect and show me you're still there?
For I am lonely deep inside, unsure of who I am
Unable to face normal things, just doing what I can.
How can I expose my soul, Tell what I feel inside
It often creates ridicule, that's why I've learnt to hide.
Remind me of the little things that I am valued for
And gently please accompany me towards the opening door.
Friday, December 20, 2002
Well hush my big mouth..lol..I log back on and its all working again..:-D.....Sorry to guys upstairs..:-O..your doing a great job really!..hehe. It does seem that the guest map is not working but that's nothing to do with me...Typical I get one of their products and the whole Bravenet system crashes..lol...It wasn't me honest..:-I..I never broke it!.. Hopefully they will have it sorted soon and we will be back cooking on gas!..:-)
Found another good web page today , have posted a link 'Anxiety support group'..it came from a hit on this website on the stats page..lol..though I have no idea how they found me. They seem to be well organized and have lots going on..:-)..am even going to join myself..looks good fun for all us gibbering wrecks.
Things are ok here , family all well and looking forward to crimbo..:-)..as ever the kids cant wait to see what they got!..Oooo the joy of youth!..lol..Not like us old wrinklies who cant be bothered with it all anymore..:-P.. My anxiety is very low at the moment so I'm feeling good..:-)..until the hormones kick in again and I turn into a basket case for a week or so..:-(....The joys of being female!..but it wouldn't be the same if we had nothing to moan about now would it girls?
Click Santa above for another funny cartoon 'the blind farmer'..and its a clean one..:-P
Thursday, December 19, 2002
Wednesday, December 18, 2002
A big wave to Mr P today..:-)..I haven't forgotten you!..honest..just been busy messing with the page etc..I will do mail over the weekend..Hope you and the family are well... And Hi to Stav..:-)..a cheeky chappie from the IOM forums that I use..Link in left hand column.
Serious moment coming up...:-I
On discussing the meaning of life with a friend of mine a week or so ago..(very serious..:-/)....I mentioned how I felt that we all had a purpose in life. My friend is a religious person and his answer to this was..."What angers you the most?"..my reply.."prejudice of any kind"...his reply to that...."well that's what you are to do!..confront it, and try to change peoples views etc"...I feel he was very right. This I can see is a good reason just to be..:-)...and it works for me..:-)..but I feel when the thing that angers you most is that your fav team got theirs butts whipped at footy...well...what can you say?..lol..hardly a reason for living supporting Manchester United!..lmao..:-D
End Of Serious Stuff!!..:-)
With God and all that stuff in mind take a look at This..adults only...its a bit near the knuckle..but gave me a giggle!
Tuesday, December 17, 2002
Have decided today to do my blog during the day...It seems by the end of the day my brain has gone into hibernation, and all the witty wonderful stuff I thought of during the day has gone right out of my head..:-P..Or may be its just senile dementia...lol...Whatever the cause I cant stand another night of sat blank at the PC screen feeling too tired to even think let alone come up with some witty comment..:-D
So tomorrow it is!...........I have just noticed that google have got round to putting me into the directory..:-) ..got my first hit today...lol....so only another 3 months before it filters through to the search engines..lol..I cant wait!!
Monday, December 16, 2002
Sunday, December 15, 2002
Its Sunday evening again......Went through to Bradford today to see my parents...hhhmmmmmmm..what can I say I love them to bits but like all parents they drive me mad sometimes...:-I...but I'm sure I have the same affect on my own kids..:-P
The more I read of other people blogs the more I realize that I'm not the only one with an angel on one shoulder and a little devil on the other..:-O..They often fall out and come to blows as I struggle with daily life and I,I'm left in the middle feeling clueless as what to do next..:-D..but that's just life I guess.
One big rollercoaster ride!!...but sadly for me I often find myself shouting "STOP THE WORLD!! I WANT TO GET OFF!!"
Why do all the bad things that happen seem to come in 3s?...You can guarantee that when your a bit strapped for cash the telly, micro and Hoover will pack in all in the same week..lol..leaving you trying to decide which is most important!..Telly wins hands down!!..lol....Who need food or a clean house?..as long as I can watch the Osbournes of an evening..lol..then I don't feel that I'm quiet so mad after all!
Been playing with the page a little more and got registered on a couple of webrings..:-)..not that I'm a feminist or anything...lol... as I feel the subject applies to both men and women. It just seemed the most appropriate place to stick it.
Saturday, December 14, 2002
Friday, December 13, 2002
Hard day shopping today..:-P..I'm not one of these women who enjoy going round the shops...You can never get where you want to be because there is usually a huge queue of people waiting to get there..all pushing and generally getting bad tempered..:-(...not my idea of a good time..I hate large crowds and packed shops so I usually go when its quiet..but no hope of that this time of year.
A big HUG and Wave to Joel tonight....Keep your chin up hon!!!..it will sort its self out in the end I'm sure..:-)
I spent another hour today playing with the template..its getting there..trial and error....have to keep checking back to the page to see what damage I have done..lol....The poor people who viewed my page the past few days from the blogger publish page must have wondered what they stumbled upon..lmao..:-D
Not much to say today...:-\..sometimes there is so much stuff going round in my head I cant get it all out...then others like today..TOTAL BLANK..hehe..so a joke I think..
A woman walks into a veterinarian's waiting room dragging a wet rabbit on a leash. The rabbit obviously does not want to be there.
"Sit, Fluffy!" she says. Fluffy glares at her, and sopping wet, jumps up on another customer's lap, getting water all over him.
"I said sit, now there's a good Fluffy," says the woman, slightly embarrassed.
Fluffy, wet already, squats in the middle of the room and urinates. The woman, mortally embarrassed, shouts, - "Darn it, Fluffy, will you be good?!"
Fluffy then starts a fight with a Doberman and pursues it out of the office. As the woman leaves to go after it, she turns to the rest of the flabbergasted customers and says:
"Please pardon me... I just washed my hare, and can't do a damn thing with it!"
Thursday, December 12, 2002
Had a nice chat with Mr P today..:-)..we chatted about life etc... and his addiction problem..;-P..All I can say Mr P is as much as I appreciate the numerous hits I get on my page during the day from your good self, I feel its time you got some real help!....So I have booked you in for a session with the PVA (Page Viewers Anonymous)..hehe...meeting at an internet cafe near you!..:-D..lmao
Yes...the page has stretched...been playing with the template this afternoon..
Found this on a site last night made me smile..:-)..now I no where to go to get rid of the stains of my screen..lmao!!!
Wednesday, December 11, 2002
For all the royalists amongst you!..:-)
I will admit at this point to stealing most of what I put on here from other sites pages etc....but if it makes me smile I like to pass that on. The above link put a real smile on my face and I will never see the queen again in the same light =P
Looking at this page it seems to resemble an accident in a graphics/text factory..lol...semi organized chaos....with cute thrown in!...But it will have to do until I feel more brave..:-D and no more about HTML to make some real changes. Others pages I view seem to very slick and well organized..lol...and mine?????????...lmao
My son has just returned from his school play...he was a TREE this year..lol....with a green face that resembles the Hulk!...I sent my hubby to the afternoon performance armed with my digital camera........bad idea..:-(..He came back and happily handed me the camera saying.."I took 3 good ones"..lol.....I turned it on and skipped through the pics.....oh dear no pics...the dial had turned in his pocket and he never got a thing!...
Oh well you know what they say 'if you want something doing then do it yourself!...hehe
Tuesday, December 10, 2002
Monday, December 09, 2002
I was sent the above HTML from a person who means a great deal to me..:-)..we used to be very close and spent many an evening chatting into the early hours. Sadly for me I blew it by being too full on!!..:-( and some things it seems can not be returned to how they were no matter how hard you try... Another lesson well learnt on my side...:-I
I have been quiet shocked to peoples reactions about this page. I guess the things that go round in your head , you some how expect others to know and understand how your feeling. But by the comments I have received even people who I am very close to had no idea of how things have affected me. Just goes to prove no matter how much we think we know a person, we really have no idea of the pain emotions and thoughts that person has and the damage it can do if you don't feel able to share it.
Enough of the sad stuff..............Things are good at the moment!..I am enjoying this web thing..:-D....thou it seems I have neglected My e.mails in order to get the posts done..:-(...so sorry ....I'm going to catch up on the mail now..:-) x
Sunday, December 08, 2002
Houston...we have a problem!!!........... I haven't broken it honest..:-)
I had a few problems with the blog pages at the start at it seems this has returned to haunt me..:-(.. When they moved my old blog onto my new one I lost Fatkitty!!...........and it seems that something went wrong with the migration and now I cant upload pics or animations..:-(...so its not me, just a blogger server problem. I have left them a message and I hope they will be able to sort it before Crimbo..:-)
All is quiet this evening. Just the usual Sunday evening.."Oh no its monday morning tomorrow!!..aaaarrrrrggghhh"...lol....no change there then.
Nothing much to report so another joke?
A noted psychiatrist was a guest at a blonde gathering, and his hostess naturally broached the subject in which the doctor was most at ease.
"Would you mind telling me, Doctor," she asked, "how you detect a mental deficiency in somebody who appears completely normal?"
"That's easy," he replied. "You ask them a simple question which everyone should be able to answer with no trouble. If they hesitate, that puts you on the right track."
"What sort of question would you ask Doctor?"
"Well, you might ask them..."
"Captain Cook made three trips around the world and died during one of them.
The blonde thought a moment, then said with a nervous laugh -
"You wouldn't happen to have another example would you?"
"I must confess I don't know much about history."
Saturday, December 07, 2002
Normal service has resumed..:-D
A quiet day on the page no one loves me..:-(..but I'm sure I will get over it... Feel more human now, had a good moan, scream and shout and things OK now!...hehe...Women!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!...how do you men ever live with us??...or is it just me that spends half the month as a raving nutcase and the other placid and caring?..answer on a postcard please to............The Mental Home For The Bewildered...Sunny Pocklington..somewhere in the middle of Yorkshire.
A big thank you to Rich who sent me a fab e.mail that made me cry!..:-)..Love you too chuck!!!
A thank you also to the other poor people that have been doing there best to cheer me up..:-)
Husband removed surgically from the golf course..lol............and I think he got the message..:-P
Children well and looking forward to Christmas..sadly my bank balance is not as excited..:-(
Animals...all well squeaking squawking and generally eating me out of house and home.
That's about it.......time for another bad joke I think..:-) And its a bit rude..but really funny!
A huge muscular man walks into a bar and orders a beer. The bartender hands him the beer and says, "You know, I'm not gay but I want to compliment you on your physique, it really is phenomenal! I have a question though, why is your head so small?"
The big guy nods slowly. He's obviously fielded this question many times.
"One day," he begins, "I was hunting when I got lost in the woods. I heard someone crying for help and finally realized that it was coming from a frog sitting next to a stream."
So I picked up the frog and it said, "Kiss me. Kiss me and I will turn into a genie and grant you 3 wishes."
So I looked around to make sure I was alone and gave the frog a kiss. POOF! The frog turned into a beautiful, voluptuous, naked woman.
She said, "You now have 3 wishes."
I looked down at my scrawny 115 pound body and said, "I want a body like Arnold Schwarzenneger."
She nodded, whispered a spell, and POOF! there I was, so huge that I ripped out of my clothes and was standing there naked!
She then asked, "What will be your second wish?"
I looked hungrily at her beautiful body and replied, "I want to make sensuous love with you here by this stream." She nodded, laid down, and beckoned to me. "We then made love for hours!"
Later, as we lay there next to each other, sweating from our glorious lovemaking, she whispered into my ear, "You know, you do have one more wish. What will it be?"
I looked at her and replied, "How about a little head?"
Friday, December 06, 2002
Well its been one of them days..:-(....
One offer of "I'll come and take you away from all that terrible stuff"
Another of " Here's my phone number, you poor battered housewife ..give me a ring"
Another.."Why wasn't your phone switched on when I rang you!!!!"
And not forgetting 2of....your a bit down at the moment, why you not chatting with me?
Well folks you have guessed it.. IM DEPRESSED!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!..I cant help it!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! ..Its my hormones!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
But other than that things are great..:-D
Added a few more bits to my other site. Some more funny links and a few jokes. Its getting there a bit at a time.:-)
Anyone know how to make animations work on this thing?..I think I must be thick because I cant make them work for the life of me......lol
Oh well that's enough for today sometimes is best not to say anything..:-I
Thursday, December 05, 2002
Much to my own amazement it seems I have a few people looking in on a regular basis from the US and Netherlands...:-)...The reason for my amazement is the site has not yet gone into any search engines. Its currently been given the once over by Google..:-D...then if they think its suitable for the category I asked for it may just creep in...:-)..Well I can live in hope. I can only assume that the site has been picked up from when I publish....
Howerer you came across my ramblings, your very welcome..:-)...and please feel free to leave comments or e.mail me. I would love to hear your views on the page or subject matter or if you can offer any other 'stuff' that you think would fit into my little corner of the web..:-)
I watched a very interesting programme on TV today... (note*..should have been doing the ironing..lol)...It was on the Discovery channel and is looking into Valium and all the other drugs that have been doing the rounds for the last 30/40 years . I really had no idea that anxiety and all its others forms had been such a huge problem in the past. I was shocked to see how a whole generation of women from the 60s were given these drugs without any real understanding of the long term affects. They are now aware of the long term side affects and Its only prescribed for a short period along with other anti-depressants medication to get you by. I was given this drug myself, took 3 tablets and yes I felt better. But when I read the info that came with was shocked to see the list of side affects. I stopped taking it straight away and I'm glad I did.
It seems these days doctors will just throw pills at you to get you out of the door. my own 14 year old daughter was given Seroxat........I never allowed her to take it and after see the Panorama programme on it I'm very glad I didn't.
I took the hard route, preferring to avoid all medication and go down the therapy road instead. I feel medication is like sticking a plaster over a large wound...You take the plaster off but the wound remains!......something is needed in order to heal and for me this was Cognitive therapy.
Change of subject..:-)..my Pig Farmer husband..(yes you read it right)...has taken up golf in the last few months...AAAARRRRRRGGGGGHHHHHH...I fear for the future..:-(...It seems I am to become a 'Golfing Widow' something I had hear about from friends but thought foolishly "That will never happen to me"...But No!!!...it seems he already has an addiction problem having already gone into work at 5am 3 times this week so he can get on the course before it gets dark...he has just informed me he intends to play again tomorrow..:-(..Does anyone out there know of a cure?...I have tried the usual lacy undies etc...lmao...but no luck..:-( My dreams of spending time together when the kids has left is disappearing before my eyes. I'll try the "I'm not sleeping with you until you start behaving like a normal human being instead of a golf addict" Maybe that will work, but some how I feel I have lost him to a caddy with wheels and a dozen balls....SOB..SOB....
A quickie for Mr P............
A married couple had jet -black hair, so when their daughter was born a redhead, the husband was a bit suspicious. He went to the doctor and explained the situation. The doctor said "well how often do you have sex?"
"oh about once every 2 years" said the husband . "well that explains it" said the doctor. "Your a bit RUSTY"...;-) x
Wednesday, December 04, 2002
Its that time again..:-)...My topic for this evening is sanity..lol...yes...mental health....oh dear I just said the 'M' word and all my new viewers have just run off into the distance ..:-( How do I stay sane?...I am not sure I know the answer to that one. Probably has something to do with the fact that I make the stubbornist of mules look positively co-operative..lol.. Even at my very lowest I refuse to give in. Believe me its in no way easy . When I was really Ill and was a bit suicidal I said to my hubby ' I dint want to go being a burden to others' I have always been so independent and strong and still to this day have a huge problem with asking others for help. Its just not me..:-(...anyway of the story there for a second....hehe...When I said this to my other half his reply was 'We would rather have you like this, than not have you at all!'...That made my mind up there and then. I'm not afraid of dying. I have been as close as you can get to it and the pain was horrendous, but still in amongst that was a real calm!.. Hard to explain really just no fear at all. I can clearly remember lying there (while all around was like a chaotic episode of casualty) ..thinking "well this is it then!."..oh and not forgetting "Will you please hurry up and get on with it god!...enough is enough!"...stubborn as ever, even to my last breath.
How do you came to terms with something like that?..I have no idea...No wonder I ended up a gibbering wreck!
My bro sent me an e.mail the other night saying how he thought the page was 'HEAVY'...lol...well to him it probably is, because he only knows the old me. The me who used to just let the crap of life go over her head. Putting the troubles of my life on the shelf to deal with later. Only problem was the shelves became too full and gave way under the weight, leaving me under a pile of my past yet to be dealt with! The new me can't do that anymore. I prefer to deal with things ,feelings and problems as they come along. Take each day as it comes and try desperately not to think of what tomorrow will bring. That's why I do the blog I guess. Getting out all the rubbish that floating about in my head, in some small hope that when it hits the page it will make some kind of sense..I can live in hope..:-P
That's enough of the bad bits..I'm off to play Sober Santa....lmao...x
Tuesday, December 03, 2002
I found this on the forum site and it it made me smile..:-D
ok girls...What would have happened if it had been three wise women instead of three
They would have asked directions, arrived on time, helped deliver the baby,
cleaned the stable, made a casserole and brought practical gifts.
But what would they have said when they left.....? (sorry ladies but its
*Did you see the sandals Mary was wearing with that gown?
*That baby does not look anything like Joseph
*Virgin, my arse I knew her at school
*I heard Joseph isn't even working right now
*And that donkey they're riding has seen better days too.
Just a quickie this evening after the mini series yesterday. I have just spent the best part of an hour putting more links on the other pages....oh dear....all went in fine but when I came to post them it crashed..:-(..all lost...sob..sob...So I'm fed up!!..lol..good old Yorkshire saying for 'I have had enough!'
Beds calling..nite nite x
Monday, December 02, 2002
A big wave today to Mr Positive..:-P...and the tiny ginger terror...lmao...cute or what..:-) and the kids aren't bad either..;-)
Been racking my brains trying to think who you remind me of and that pic clinched it...are you ready for this?..lol.. Dustin Hoffman in the graduate....Don't hate me..lol..but you really do!!... Mrs P looks drop dead gorgeous also..you lucky devil!
Back round to monday again..:-(..and as always I'm glad its over with. Was the proper gibbering wreck last night..:-( A combination of hormones a nasty bug and that Sunday night feeling..*yuck*..left me feeling a bit rough to say the least, but better today..:-)
Time.......... where does it go?..........doesn't seem like 2 minuets that I was 15 and leaving school and know its my daughter.......You have to be careful not to blink or you miss whole years..:-)...I cant get my head around the fact its nearly Christmas again..lol
A bit more about how I got to this strange place..:-)
I think I got up to the bit where I had my son William........oh yes..just read through the old posts......
Well I returned home after spending 3 days in high dependency and another 5 days on a side ward learning how to walk talk and the usually stuff. These days there seems to be very little support when you leave hospital................. Your alive!!! now go got on with it!!..seems to be the approach. I found it very hard when I got home. Not only was I recovering from near death but I also had a new born who never slept more than an hour and a 6 year old to look after. No wonder I found it hard. I had no family around me and hadn't been in the area long enough to make any friends, so no support either. To make things even worse we lived on a farm in the middle of nowhere..... I'm surprised I didn't end up in the local nuthouse when I read this back...lol.. Well to cut a very long story short my anxiety got worse mainly because I never got out the house and I had no one to talk my problems over with. We moved house several times, I seemed to cope to all around me but inside I was in pieces.:-( and really thought I was loosing my mind. With a list of health problems as long as my arm, I couldn't understand how I could go from a fit health young 23 year old who nothing got her down. Into a gibbering wreck with bits of me dropping off and failing faster than I could come to terms with the fact I even had these bits in the first place.....:-(
After 7 years....my god why did I wait so long!........... After the third day of vomiting so much that I was too weak even to collect my son from school..:-(...my body gave in and my brain quickly followed it!....... In floods of tears I rang my husband and asked him to come home. He promptly took me to the docs who gave me a cocktail of drugs.....They made me so ill that I threw up another 3 days ....so I decided that I couldn't take them anymore. At this point I had lost 3/4 of a stone..not good when you only weigh 8 stone to start of with.
That's about it really...lmao..simple...........just decided enough was enough, I told my husband and family just how bad I had been feeling. All were totally amazed as I had always been such a strong person and here I was 'The Gibbering Wreck' in front of them!!..
That was just over 2 years ago now and I have had a long up hill climb to get back to feeling human again. I did nearly a year of cognitive therapy . This taught me how to manage my thoughts and be positive..I also made appoint of looking back into my past to try and find out why I am this way. And yes I did find the answers that I were looking for, and they made all the difference to me coming to terms with the way I am and why I am..:-)
Sunday, December 01, 2002
While doing research on my condition and speaking with professionals on the subject. one thing that I have heard is the use of a song to promote positive thoughts and feelings. Find a song that is uplifting to you and makes you feel better and whenever your in a anxious situation run this song through your brain..:-)..It not only takes your mind of what your doing but also cheers you up! When I'm about in the local town or collecting my son from school I wear my Walkman with earphones. I was walking down the road the other day when I suddenly burst out into the verse of 'Ray Of Light' by Madonna...lmao....I suddenly realized by passers by's reaction what I had done and hurried away with a large smile on my face..:-)
With the song theme in mind I have posted the lyrics to my current song........
Stronger...By the Sugarbabes..
I’ll make it through the rainy days
I’ll be the one who stands here longer than the rest
When my landscape changes, rearranges
I’ll be stronger than I’ve ever been
No more stillness, more sunlight,
Everything’s gonna be alright
I know that there’s gonna be a change
Better find your way out of your fear
If you wanna come with me
Then that’s the way it’s gotta be
I’m all alone and finally
I’m getting stronger
You’ll come to see
Just what I can be
I’m getting stronger
Sometimes I feel so down and out
Like emotion that’s been captured in a maze
I had my ups and downs
Trials and tribulations,
I overcome it day by day,
Feeling good and almost powerful
A new me, that’s what I’m looking for
I didn’t know what I had to do
I just knew I was alone
People around me
But they didn’t care
So I searched into my soul
I’m not the type of girl that will let them see her cry
It’s not my style
I get by
See I’m gonna do this for me
My bug has finally shown itself....lol... Sinus infection and a bad one!..:-(..so I have got black eyes and loss of much needed brain matter ever time I sneeze to look forward to..;-)....not to mention people giving me strange looks because I look like I have just done 2 rounds with Mike Tyson..:-P..but at least I know what I'm dealing with now and can treat accordingly.
I feel another bad joke coming on...:-D
Q: Why do black widow spiders kill their males after mating?
A: To stop the snoring before it starts.
Saturday, November 30, 2002
No tropical disease to report but I don't feel any better either..:-(.. Got all my jobs done though. Pigs nice and clean but it took 3 hours..lol..if you want to know why look at the pictures link below..posted some more pics there and other bits also.
Half way through the Tree building..lol..looking good...:-D
And now i'm done in..my head hurts and I feel like I have been trampled by a herd of elephants..:-P....should pass in a couple of days I hope.
When I started this blog just over a week ago...lol...it seems like forever now....my only goal was in some way to make another persons life in some tiny way better. Either by giving them hope or making them smile with my ramblings. So if I have done this already then for me it is a huge success.
I have had a hard day today so will write in more detail tomorrow. x x
Went to bed, couldn't sleep so came down and did the ironing...lmao........Either I'm totally mad or this bug has just reached my brain:-D...I hate ironing and only do it because no one else in the house will. Yet I enjoyed it...lmao..oh dear must be madness!!..but I do feel a little better..:-)
The weekend is upon us and my chores to do are...Make a tree costume for my son William for his play...lol....yes its Blue peter cardboard, paint and glue time..:-P....should be fun!..... Oh yes and the not so enjoyable task of cleaning out my pigs!.:-(..I always look forward to being up to my armpits in pig s**t...NOT!!!!!!!.. But they look up at me with their sparkling little eyes and I'm gone..just have to dive right in there. I usually come out of the garage looking like I have slept in a barn overnight!..:-D..But I love their little fury butts so cant help myself.
Maybe I will try to get some sleep and see what tomorrow brings. Some horrible tropical disease knowing my look...lol...nite nite x
Friday, November 29, 2002
I feel strange..:-O...not I'll, just like I'm coming down with the flu..aaaaahhhhhhh..
Its Friday!!!!!!!!!!!!!!:-).............. I have added a links page to the other site..(Other stuff..Pictures Etc)..Some of it is really funny, some of it is very rude and others well what can I say ..pointless but its so bad you just have to laugh..:-D
I'm not feeling my self this evening..lol......and my mind is totally blank!.....haha...oh dear I really am coming down with something.
Thursday, November 28, 2002
Feeling a bit more human today..:-D..Even now it gets me when I think I am coping well, but that's just the way I guess. Over the years I have learnt to except it as 'my lot' in life. The way I see it is there are so many others out there in the world living with terrible diseases like AIDS, Cancer and a host of other problems brought on by their geographical location, such as starvation war etc....I could go on and on. So my little problem somehow seems very small and unimportant.
Enough of the sadness that fills the world, I'll move onto something a little more up lifting, a wonderbra perhaps!..:-D..lol..The saviour of the female species..lol. No serious now...I have made a few more changes to the site. I finally gave up on 'Fat Kitty' who used to live in the right hand margin..:-(..maybe he is stuck up a tree somewhere..lol..and with the brigade strike at the moment, I feel I will never see him again..:-O.. So have added something else in his place. I like the mood thingy..hehe.... I have also done a little more on the other site other pics plus a *poem Type Thing*..lol..I call it that because I have no idea how to explain...;-)..give it a read you will understand!
A big (((((((((((((((HUG)))))))))))))))))) for my brother Darryl..:-)..sent him the addy last night..so much love to you bro!
I found a chat room last night for people with phobias etc...I nearly passed out..:-O..there were real people in there!!.LMAO..usually when you go in these things all you get is the odd message of some poor bewildered person who sat there for 15mins then gave up the will to live and left!..lol..But no..there were real people both men and women and all really nice too. I have posted a link in the margin on the left.
Its joke time again....:-(..Finding things that are printable is a tall order..lol
Van Gogh goes in to a pub and his mate asks him if he wants a drink.
"No thank" said Vincent, "I've got one ear."
Well I thought it was funny..:-P
Wednesday, November 27, 2002
Recovered from my little mishap with the PC yesterday..:-P...Got out the really old one and put it back together, worked fine first go..LMAO..so maybe I'm not so useless after all. But I fear that I have caused the other PC some serious damage, so I will leave it to the experts to sort!..Learnt my lesson:-D.
A big Wave to Brain..:-D..I finally got round to sending him e.mail with this addy, so if your reading this Brain "Get back to work!"..LoL
My anxiety hit a high yesterday not felt that bad for months but its a mixture of hormone/PC related problems...LoL..they seem to intertwined these days..hehe.. I'm well and happy most of the time these days, thanks to Cognitive therapy and a host of other things I have picked up along the way. My anxiety, though still there in the background, doesn't stop me from doing anything...:-D..So I guess that's as near to a cure as your going to get!
I mentioned in an earlier post that I had always been an anxious person. My problems started after a near death situation when I had my son . When I came round from the c section I was shaking and it seems I've not stopped shaking ever since..:-(.. The shock to my system and the damage caused by the chronic blood pressure left me both physically and mentally damaged. Its been a hard struggle to get back to any kind of normal life, but I think I'm really getting there:-D
No joke yesterday so you will have to suffer 2 this evening!
Q:..What do you call a Welshman with a sheep under his arm?
Q:..What do you call a Welshman with a sheep under each arm?
A.. A Pimp.
Tuesday, November 26, 2002
Well lesson one today...If you don't know what your doing then don't play with it!....:-(
Have just spent the best part of 3 hours trying to fit a new bit to my old pc so I could set up a network...what a disaster..:-(
Now it wont work at all....by trying to save money and do it myself..I have probably ended up costing myself a small fortune..one lesson learnt very hard!!!!
Other than my large hiccup things been ok today..........I want to say a big HI to Joel we have been chatting on the net now for a few years and I've grown to appreciate his wisdom. He's just trying to cheer me up as I'm righting this. God Bless You Joel your a good friend!
Well that's enough for me this evening I'm all washed out..:-(..but I will be back tomorrow hopefully feeling more positive.
Monday, November 25, 2002
Well yippee, the lovely chaps upstairs saw fit to sort my probs with blogger and I'm now up and running..:-D
Though for some reason my pussy seems to have gone walk about from the right hand margin..:-(..I'll have a look later.
I have put a link through to another site where I will keep my pics and stuff that will be changed on a weekly basis. Not much there yet other than a picture of me looking like I have just found out my lottery ticket was in my jeans when I washed them..:-( and my numbers have just come up!..LOL
Well today..LoL..what can I say..:-O....Almost killed myself while replacing a bulb in my daughters bedroom. Being of that awkward age that she is at, she decided that it had to be replaced that moment!..I was just on my way out to collect my son so was in a rush already...at this point the following would of been of help.. *note to brain!..do not attempt such a tricky maneuver without having some one hold the Cola Bin..(Don't ask...LoL)and never while your in such a rush you meet yourself coming back the other way!*..But sadly brain was not in gear and I was left dangling from the lampshade..:-O.....LoL.. Strange I never saw such a thing mentioned in the ' housewife/mother/gardener/general dogs body handbook'...:-P..oh well I survived to tell the tale.
It seems I'm getting the hang of this net programing thingy better than I thought..:-)..and I have really enjoyed it so far. Had a few hiccups but on the whole pretty simple, even for a intellectually starved, brain dead housewife like myself...;-) So I'm going to stick some more pics up on the other site and then if I'm feeling really brave I may even give the URL to some of my friends for them to slap me down and tell me I need to get out more!!! I know there right..but I'm having so much fun....:-D
I found another good site for us anxious folk..:-)..I put a link below the panic free one..give it a go!... He seems to have come through the anxiety thing with the same good result as I have using the same method, So it must work..LOL....Don't ever give up trying it took me 7 years of bad symptoms and a lifetime of just being very anxious to realize I even had a serious problem. I got through it and you can too! Give it a try you having nothing to loose and a whole new life to gain and myself and many others are proof that it is achievable.
Now before I go to play with some download files..;-D..(I'm really hooked aren't I..LoL) I intend to post a joke at the end of all future posts. That should be a task in itself..LoL..But I will rise to the challenge...Here goes.
Two Goldfish are in a tank. One turns to the other and says 'Do you know how to drive this thing?'
Sorry..LoL..but finding a clean one that I can use proved harder than I first imagined..LoL
Sunday, November 24, 2002
Anxiety Rating (3)........Its Sunday again and how I hate Monday mornings!!!!...aaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
Life is Ok at the moment not too much stress to deal with. My 15 year old daughter is doing her Moks at the moment so she is finding things hard. She also suffers from an anxiety condition which started as far back as her first starting school. With the end of school in site,after Easter next year, she seems to be making real steps forward..:-)
Back to my story................
My anxiety goes back as far as I can remember also. Never had any self confidence, small insecure and generally feeling like a small fish in a huge pool full of sharks!..LoL Strange but the more I speak to people with similar problems, this seems to be a common thread. So I have come to the conclusion that its just the way we are made and all it takes is circumstances, situations to bring it out.
I survived school just, but must admit I hated most of it. The feelings I had back then are still there and I find it really hard now having 2 kids of my own, and having to send them back into that shark infested water! I think that's why my anxiety hit an all time high with the birth of my second child. My daughter had started school and then there was all this extra responsibility, something that again I feel is common in people who suffer from anxiety. It seems that just keeping your self together on a day to day basis is enough to push you to the limits without the extra burden of others. And in this lies my first major mistake. I should have never had any kids until I had come to terms with myself and my own anxiety. Well that's what my CPN said any way...lol..
Pictonary and Word Games are great fun if you just want to unwind and there is also a chat option in all rooms so a god place to make new friends also..:-)...At the Word games site if you go back to the home page there are also a collection of other fun games of all different types..a good way to just forget your problems if only for the odd hour.
The Manx Forum link 'does what it says on the tin'...lol.......... Manxnet is the net service for the Isle of Man and their Forum site is one of the best that I have come across so far. It covers all their local issues but also has many general topics to join in with ;-)...and they don't seem to mind us foreigners joining in. So have fun!!!!
Worlds 3D is a 3D interactive chat service. You get to choose and build your own body..lol.....and there are many worlds to visit. Great if you fancy chat with a difference.
Saturday, November 23, 2002
Let me introduce myself :-P...My name is Nikki I am 33 years old, married with 2 children. A garage full of 13 Guineapigs, a shed full of Budgies oh yes and not forgetting Molly the Redrump, she's a hand reared Parakeet who lives in the house almost free range...LoL
Anxiety Gibbering Wreck?...What's it all about?...Well on this blog I hope to take a light hearted view of Anxiety/Panic attacks and the affect it has had on my life, and that of the people around me. I say light hearted because it will in no way be depressing or dwelling on the bad side of the issues but rather a celebration of life and how you can overcome this condition with help and support and your own determination to be free of its grip once and for all!!
In my 3 years as a *net head*..LoL... I have been surprised by how little positive sites/webpages there are, and the few that are available seem only to serve to offer 'miracle cures' in exchange for your hard earned cash :-( So you can imagine what a nice surprise when I came across the Panic Free website (I have posted a link take a look!). Having used this page myself and found it helpful I decided to have a go, but to do it my way..:-D It may take some time to get the links/comment boxes/pictures etc. up and running so please bare with me while I iron out the glitches.