Saturday, December 13, 2008

Anxiety Ramble

What is it about me saying I'm well, that means within weeks I'm going to be a gibbering wreck
I think its called tempting fate :( Well I have to say the past three and a half years despite the odd blip have been really good. Ive had long periods with little or no symptoms and have been able to do stuff I haven't done for years. Its been great, so Its bloody hard to go back to feeling so stressed anxious and worn out again. But at least I recognised the signs early before It had too much time to take hold, and was able to make changes to my life to reduce the problems.
I have to say that I put my wellness from the past three years down to a change in diet. I also started talking St Johns wort about 2 years ago and that seems to have been the biggest factor. Talking St johns, though I didn't twig at the time, has been a huge stabilising effect on my condition, meaning when I had blips I was able to pull myself up very quickly indeed and not let it get on top of me.
This latest onslaught has been caused by a few things... really busy with work, extra work load at home too, and a few other outside issues going on that tipped me over the edge, self inflected and I should have know better, but hey we can all say that looking back :(
I have to say though that everytime I have another bad outbreak I learn more about my problem, I understand it a little more and am more able to cope, once the initial OMG not again has passed. I'm not so frightened of it anymore as I once was and by learning as much as I can about the condition I am slowly finding some peace within my self and coming to terms with it.
I think as time goes on, and more stuff is learnt about these types of conditions people will begin to realise that having a *mental* illness is just the same as been born with a limb missing. I think they are finally starting to cotton on to the fact that these problems are in fact caused by chemical in balances in the brain and even hard wiring problems of the brain that mean we cant possible function like other people do. I mean you wouldn't think less of a human being that only had one leg,yet people still ridicule and avoid people for having *mental* illness :(

Im positive and upbeat and looking forward to christmas and the new year also trialing another herbal product called 5-HTP that also helps with seratonin so fingers crossed this helps too.
Merry christmas to all x

Thursday, November 27, 2008


As a 1930s wife, I am
Very Superior

Take the test!

LOL my god I dont think so.. Thanks to Bacon & cheese for that one :P

Saturday, November 15, 2008

Old friends....

Ive been a member of Friends Reunited website for 5 years or so now and have caught up with the odd person. School for me as I have mentioned before was one huge stress, and other than the few goods friends I made, I didn't get anything out of it. With the exception of even lower self esteem and being so self conscious I only ever felt comfortable going out in the dark LOL. Its funny how you see yourself in that sort of situation, and it never enters your head what people actually think about you.
I was always under the impression that people hated me, though I was a freak and would rather be anywhere other than spending time with me. Popular was something that I would have loved to have been, but it was obvious that it was never going to happen, as I was so far down the food chain, eating my way through the opposition was not an option :)
When I wasn't avoiding the bullies i was desperately trying to fit in and failing badly :( Despite all that I did manage by some small miracle to gain an Though I have no idea how, and left school having passed ever subject I took.
I guess the point to this ramble is this...
Just recently a large group of us have managed to link up on Facebook. It makes me laugh as other than the odd message, I don't think people communicated on Friends much and suddenly with the move over to facebook every ones nattering away like they only left school yesterday :) Getting chatting to people has mad me realise that my understanding of my peers and what they thought of me back then was just totally wrong. OK I have no doubt they all thought I was a little odd lol, but I was!!, but the main thing that has come back is just how quite I was, and reluctant to mix and get involved. People just didn't know what to say to me so avoided
So I guess this goes back to stuff in my previous post. Not to judge a book by its cover and always to give the benefit of the doubt. Had I had the skills to do that back then, my experience of school would have probably been very different :P

Saturday, November 01, 2008

Finding yourself.

My life has not been easy.. full of many highs and lows. Like most peoples I guess, but at times Ive been tested to my very phisical and mental limits. Just when I thought I couldnt get any lower, fate would hit me with a good kick in the ribs to keep me down a little longer. Though despite all this I'm still thankfull for every moment and have grown so much as a person because of it.
I truly believe that had I not suffered the things I have in my life, at the age of almost 40 I would now be a very miserable, unhappy and twisted person. Full of regret and with no understanding of who I was and no appreciation of the blessing that life is.
The pain and loss has taught me to treat each day as if it where my last. Love thoughs around me without condition, not to judge on first appearances and always give the benefit of the doubt. Life is so very short and can be taken from you at any moment so dont take a moment in vain.
When people around you try your pataience, hurt you without thought and trample over you to get where they think they need to be, see it as a test of your own self control, empathy and understanding.
Ive learnt that to be truly happy and to love others without condition you first have to be happy with yourself and come to an understanding of your own mortality. Only then can you find some sort of inner peace and the strength to deal with all that life throws at you.
This sounds like one of thoughs religous ramblings where people nod off in the church But its not based on religon what so ever . Its all about human nature and understanding what we are and the traits we inherit from our genes. How to make the best of the good ones and learn to control the bad ones.
Anxiety for me has been a life saver!! I cant put it any other way without it and the path it has taken me on, I would dred to think what and where I would be now.
I truly believe everything happens for a reason, with the exception of death .. thats just inevitable :)

Friday, October 31, 2008

Fresh start :)

Well Ive just sat here and read back about 18 months of posts just to get a feel of the the kind of things I used to write about. Its amazing for me to look back and see where my head was at and what was happening in my life.
To cut a long story short I'm still here...LOL well thats pretty obvious or I wouldnt be typing this :) Still ploding along in my own little world dealing with things as they come along.

Ive decided its time to start writing again as I always found it good therapy. Not because I'm currently gibbering, but more to show how far Ive come and hopefully to give some hope to others who suffer with anxiety based problems. Ive learnt so much these past years and would love to be able to pass it on so others may get some benefit. I'm also planning on doing a book at some point, not that it will ever get published but more for a record for my kids to help them understand.

So watch this space as the ramble continues....