Wednesday, December 04, 2002

Anxiety rating ..(3)..:-{

Its that time again..:-)...My topic for this evening is health....oh dear I just said the 'M' word and all my new viewers have just run off into the distance ..:-( How do I stay sane?...I am not sure I know the answer to that one. Probably has something to do with the fact that I make the stubbornist of mules look positively Even at my very lowest I refuse to give in. Believe me its in no way easy . When I was really Ill and was a bit suicidal I said to my hubby ' I dint want to go being a burden to others' I have always been so independent and strong and still to this day have a huge problem with asking others for help. Its just not me..:-(...anyway of the story there for a second....hehe...When I said this to my other half his reply was 'We would rather have you like this, than not have you at all!'...That made my mind up there and then. I'm not afraid of dying. I have been as close as you can get to it and the pain was horrendous, but still in amongst that was a real calm!.. Hard to explain really just no fear at all. I can clearly remember lying there (while all around was like a chaotic episode of casualty) ..thinking "well this is it then!."..oh and not forgetting "Will you please hurry up and get on with it god!...enough is enough!"...stubborn as ever, even to my last breath.
How do you came to terms with something like that?..I have no idea...No wonder I ended up a gibbering wreck!

My bro sent me an e.mail the other night saying how he thought the page was 'HEAVY' to him it probably is, because he only knows the old me. The me who used to just let the crap of life go over her head. Putting the troubles of my life on the shelf to deal with later. Only problem was the shelves became too full and gave way under the weight, leaving me under a pile of my past yet to be dealt with! The new me can't do that anymore. I prefer to deal with things ,feelings and problems as they come along. Take each day as it comes and try desperately not to think of what tomorrow will bring. That's why I do the blog I guess. Getting out all the rubbish that floating about in my head, in some small hope that when it hits the page it will make some kind of sense..I can live in hope..:-P

That's enough of the bad bits..I'm off to play Sober Santa....lmao...x

No comments: