Monday, December 02, 2002

Anxiety rating ..(2)..:-)

A big wave today to Mr Positive..:-P...and the tiny ginger terror...lmao...cute or what..:-) and the kids aren't bad either..;-)
Been racking my brains trying to think who you remind me of and that pic clinched it...are you ready for this? Dustin Hoffman in the graduate....Don't hate you really do!!... Mrs P looks drop dead gorgeous lucky devil!

Back round to monday again..:-(..and as always I'm glad its over with. Was the proper gibbering wreck last night..:-( A combination of hormones a nasty bug and that Sunday night feeling..*yuck*..left me feeling a bit rough to say the least, but better today..:-)
Time.......... where does it go?..........doesn't seem like 2 minuets that I was 15 and leaving school and know its my daughter.......You have to be careful not to blink or you miss whole years..:-)...I cant get my head around the fact its nearly Christmas

A bit more about how I got to this strange place..:-)
I think I got up to the bit where I had my son William........oh yes..just read through the old posts......
Well I returned home after spending 3 days in high dependency and another 5 days on a side ward learning how to walk talk and the usually stuff. These days there seems to be very little support when you leave hospital................. Your alive!!! now go got on with it!!..seems to be the approach. I found it very hard when I got home. Not only was I recovering from near death but I also had a new born who never slept more than an hour and a 6 year old to look after. No wonder I found it hard. I had no family around me and hadn't been in the area long enough to make any friends, so no support either. To make things even worse we lived on a farm in the middle of nowhere..... I'm surprised I didn't end up in the local nuthouse when I read this Well to cut a very long story short my anxiety got worse mainly because I never got out the house and I had no one to talk my problems over with. We moved house several times, I seemed to cope to all around me but inside I was in pieces.:-( and really thought I was loosing my mind. With a list of health problems as long as my arm, I couldn't understand how I could go from a fit health young 23 year old who nothing got her down. Into a gibbering wreck with bits of me dropping off and failing faster than I could come to terms with the fact I even had these bits in the first place.....:-(
After 7 god why did I wait so long!........... After the third day of vomiting so much that I was too weak even to collect my son from school..:-( body gave in and my brain quickly followed it!....... In floods of tears I rang my husband and asked him to come home. He promptly took me to the docs who gave me a cocktail of drugs.....They made me so ill that I threw up another 3 days I decided that I couldn't take them anymore. At this point I had lost 3/4 of a stone..not good when you only weigh 8 stone to start of with.
That's about it really...lmao..simple...........just decided enough was enough, I told my husband and family just how bad I had been feeling. All were totally amazed as I had always been such a strong person and here I was 'The Gibbering Wreck' in front of them!!..
That was just over 2 years ago now and I have had a long up hill climb to get back to feeling human again. I did nearly a year of cognitive therapy . This taught me how to manage my thoughts and be positive..I also made appoint of looking back into my past to try and find out why I am this way. And yes I did find the answers that I were looking for, and they made all the difference to me coming to terms with the way I am and why I am..:-)

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